caejones (caejones) wrote,

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I am Neither Living nor Dead; I am the Instrument of Your Destruction!

You know, if I was just visually impaired, I could have a life kinda close to what I wanted.
Kinda close. My body and social expectations are still problems and ruin a lot of things. But my vision shouldn't stop me from doing much of anything, especially things like writing, music, programming, etc, for which all I need is a computer.

... Except...

... Except I have computers. I have no obligations what so ever. I receive SSI and my bank account is set to automatically pay for utilities. I don't have to pay rent because I inherited my home. The only financial problem I have at all is student lones, and presumably I could work on software for random clients 20 hours a week and make enough to pay them off in five years, rather than the dozens it would take if I stuck to the minimum payments and used forebarance whenever possible due to unemployment.

And yet, I am so impossibly miserable and incapable of doing anything that my choices seem to be to beat my head at it futilely in hopes of a miracle, or die (these are not mutually exclusive).

I can't do anything.
Understand this point, or GTFO:
I turn on my computer.
I sit down.
I open the documents I need to work on.
And, instead of doing anything with them, I suffer for hours, until I finally can't stand it anymore and try to deaden the misery with another look at the same 5 websites.
This usually only takes about 10 minutes, but sometimes I can get caught up in a really long comments thread that takes hours.
Anyway, the distractions run out, and I'm back to suffering in combat against the evil half of my brain.

This has been going on for years.

I do not want to die, but I sure as taxes am not living.
I can't just will it to change.
I've tried.
I've tried pomodoros. I've tried walking around outside. I've tried more water and vitamins and vegetables and fish (but fish is hard to come by and I haven't really managed to make this one into a long-term thing).
I've tried exercise but it's kinda hard to find a good environment for certain types and anyway starting it is affected by the same devil that's tormenting me when I try to write/code/whatever.
I've tried making to do lists. I've tried scheduling. I've tried telling people my plans. I've tried hiding my plans.
I've tried talking to therappists. Four of them.
I've tried apples and oranges and bananas and mixed nuts and almond snacks and peanut butter. I've tried going the opposite direction and using candy and sweets (this seems to be an effective mood lift, weirdly enough, but it doesn't give me Free Will).

I'm running low on things I can try.

I feel like I'm waiting for a miracle, because I have no other choice, by some sort of unbreakable law of reality I cannot comprehend.

Tags: fml, life, psychology
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