caejones (caejones) wrote,

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I am Emo, Hear me Cry

I'm... just... gonna leave this here...
No, I'm not going to pretend this looks rational or reflects positively on me in any way. I don't even remember what compelled me to write it.

I live in a world where you have to win before age 20 for it to matter. Anything that happens after that, even if it changes the face of spacetime forever, is just... lame. "Oh, you had a hand in the course of history as an adult? Maybe we'll find a chapter for you in our several hundred chapter history book."
So no, I can't imagine the future being all that great. I can't really imagine me liking future me, or life being worth living ever again.
But at the same time, I'm not interested in dying, and if I can ignore those particularly BSoD-inducing details, perhaps I can delude myself into feeling like I'm doing something worth living for.
If I did everything over and did it right and everything was super awesome, there would always be those times where I realize I had to have an extra couple of decades to win at a children's game, and I'm really just taking away from everyone who actually earned their awesome.
Life is over, I lost, and this is the part where I just try to prevent this from meaning I spend eternity either in hell or dead.
There is no hope.
You would have to be God to fix this.
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